One full week, that’s how long I have been waiting to hear back from the doctors to determine whether or not cancer has returned to my thirty-nine year old body. Who needs shows like “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” when you got Ms. Amanda aka “lets drink a beer to my tumor” here. I am proof that bad weeds never die. In 2011, when I had surgery to remove a tumor with stage two colon cancer, I changed my perception of what I was facing. “OH, it’s just a dirty pimple inside me that needs to be cleared out. I will be fine and be back to eating pink glazed donuts before you know it,” was what I told everyone. And I was right, for a while.
Yours truly in 2010, in healthier and happier times.
So in the same week I got laid off my job (see previous post, OH LUCKY ME), I decided to go in to see a doctor about the pressure in my chest I had been feeling off and on for three weeks. I didn’t like taking time off work to go to hospitals since I hated doctors and disliked a cut in my pay, so I figured I would do a quick run while I was now officially “UNEMPLOYED” with plenty of free time on my hands. (That and I wanted a good excuse not to job hunt.) An X-ray, one CT scan, a visit to the pulmonary specialist, and a PET CT Scan later, doctors still wouldn’t and couldn’t (and shouldn’t?) tell me what this pressure is in my chest. In the meanwhile, I still feel like I have Mini Me sitting on my ribcage, making it uncomfortable to sleep at night.
Mini Me on my chest.
So what are the possibilities of what this Mini Me may be according to the doctors? Since I hadn’t had a cold since February, a virus was pretty much out of the question. So what do they say it could be: A very atypical fungal infection…tuberculosis…or …. ca…ca…ca…cancer. I am very much in favor of the idea of a Portobello Mushroom making a home out of my lungs…but doctors seem to favor the ca..ca…cancer.
In the meanwhile, I have a bunch of thoughts rushing through my head:
1) Damn it, I got to get laid.
2) If I lose my hair with chemo, I can always get a purple Katy Perry wig.
3) I got to get laid.
4) Fuck my old job…But, who would have thought they laying me off may be saving my life. I should send them a THANK YOU card.
5) I need to take out some more life insurance so my son can buy a bad ass car when I am dead and gone.
6) Maybe this is all a big ball of crap and I just need to smuggle some antibiotics from Mexico like I did a few years back for that ear infection.
7) I need to get laid.
8) Damn it, I need to finish my memoir.
9) I don’t want to die in El Cajon!!!! Maybe I have enough $ for a one way ticket to Paris (France, not Texas y’all) when I am close to croaking.
10) I better get off my ass and find someone to get laid with.
So as I approach Monday, tomorrow, waiting for doctors to tell me when I am scheduled to go in for a biopsy (they carving out a piece of my lungs to determine if I, in fact, do have a mushroom or cancer..or MiniMe inside my chest), I sit and wait and wonder if maybe this is just the devil or an angel moving into my realm. I can only wait and wonder why now, why this, why me, why anything. WHY ???
Jesus asks…HEY MAN, WHY ME?
So when Jesus cried out to God in the garden of Gethsemane the day before he was nailed to driftwood, asking God why me? why now?…I guess I will just accept what the Source said in response to people who question events: “Hey, buddy, WHY NOT???”
Maybe I should start Googling that purple Katy Perry wig.
Katy Perry Wig available on Amazon.com for $29.99
The following is a poem that expresses how much I love life and refuse to give it up:
A Practical Prayer
I want to be the maker of beautiful things;
The preacher of beautiful words;
The lover of the loveliest loving.
I want to saturate myself in the soil,
heart-bloody-bosom to be one with Earth;
I want to breathe in a cloud
and exhale thirst;
I want to mold a mountain in my mind
and inhale the highest high;
scale the invisible stairs in the sky.
I want to swim in my river of emotions,
pushing over a cliff, falling and feeling
the deepest parts of my soul.
I want to pray to stay with eyes ocean-wide
seeing all things anew, aglow,
trusting and thrusting into each action,
dancing with the leaves,
to lie open to the sun,
friend to all with childlike ease.
I want memories to flow like cotton candy,
sweet and light and Easter bright.
I want to hope here with myself,
to taste my possibilities alive,
any moment, the discovery of now,
the anticipation of this and that,
of him or her,
of anywhere in this dream we all dream
of the seen and unseen,
of the fountain of continuation,
of the song sung between you and me.